“At the moment of commitment, the entire universe conspires
to assist you.” – Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
March 31, 2013
– the day I climbed my personal Everest.
I had been training and preparing for this day for the past
9 months. After much researching and thinking I had decided I wanted to have a
natural birth. Watching, “The Business of Being Born,” as suggested by my
friend and doula Casey was the first time I realized child birth wasn’t an
experience to be numbed. Then I read Ina May’s Guide to Natural Childbirth
which opened my eyes even more to the possibility of going un-medicated. I
started to see there were few reasons to have drugs and that labor was painful
but it was not suffering. So just like putting together a team to hike Everest
I organized a team I knew would see me to the end of my goal. A team that would
ensure my success, and get me to the top of the mountain.
 |
| 38 weeks and ready to climb |
Choosing a midwife was the first step for me. As I’ve said
before many people automatically thought that because I chose a midwife I was
having a home birth. In fact people thought a lot of things about me choosing a
midwife. I even had a flight attendant say to me something along the lines of
how I probably chose a midwife because it was “cheaper.” It’s actually
surprising how little people know about midwives. They can and do everything an
OB does but are not trained to perform a c-section. They
are natural birth minded and take the approach that a woman’s body knows what
it’s doing from the moment it conceives. There were no invasive cervical
checks. They supported my decision to decline certain after birth treatments
for my baby. They supported my decision to encapsulate the placenta. I wrote a
birth plan but it turns out I didn’t even really need it because they did everything
I wanted them to do.
I chose the midwives associated with Colorado University Hospital because in addition to having a midwife I also wanted to try a water birth.
After researching I saw they were the only midwife group in the state of Colorado
that also had water births. A lot of hospitals will let you labor in a tub but
make you get out for actual pushing. I wasn’t sure if the water would feel good
or not but I knew I wanted that to be an option for myself.
The c-section rate is abysmally high in the United
States; one in three women have one. The
success rate for climbing Mt. Everest
is about 31%. If I wanted to climb my personal Everest I needed another key
support person on my team – a doula.
I don’t think a lot of people understand what a doula is.
When I told people I was having a doula they would respond with, “Oh well
that’s what my husband is for.” Let’s be clear – your husband is not your
doula. He can’t be. He is there to support you in your birth but he isn’t a
doula. He doesn’t have the knowledge of childbirth a doula has. He doesn’t know
the signs and symptoms of labor, the optimal laboring positions or how to best
support you in your birth. A doula is the mother to the mother. She is there
for you, for emotional and physical support.
My doula happened to be my best friend of 15 years. We had
Casey fly out the Thursday before my due date in hopes that this would give her
plenty of time to be here before the birth. I knew having a midwife would help
support my dreams of a natural childbirth but a doula was another measure to
ensure my success. Having my doula be at my house when my labor actually began
was amazing.
 |
| me and my doula |
On Saturday March 30th, I felt a calm come over
me. My mother had arrived in town, my doula was at the house and so were my
in-laws. I had attended a Friday night party at my gym that was my last
opportunity to see all my friends. I felt in my heart it was time. Just like
the first time I told the baby I loved it, I put my hand on my stomach and
talked out loud in private to the baby. I told the baby I was ready for its
arrival. I was excited to meet it and I wasn’t afraid of what I was about to go
through. I set my intention not only to the baby but also to the universe. I
was ready to start the climb.
On Sunday March 31st at 6am I woke up having a crampy feeling. Contractions, feel
like menstrual cramps and in the beginning they were uncomfortable but not
overwhelming. After two or three runs to the bathroom I told Chad
to start timing what I thought were contractions. He noted they lasted a minute
each and were about 5-6 minutes apart. No one was awake in the house yet but Chad
and I both looked at each other and realized this was happening. I sent my
sister a text that said, “I think today is going to be the day.” Then I took a
bath and rode out some of the contractions there, followed by a shower –
noticing as the contractions grew stronger I would have to lean into the wall
or hunch over the tub. I proceeded to get ready as usual, even attempting to
blow dry my hair but the pain was becoming more intense. Once I vomited after a
strong contraction my husband thought it was best to notify Casey that things
were happening. Casey knew that my vomiting was a sign I was dilating faster
than even I thought. She suggested we call the midwife. She helped me labor at
home for the next hour (the midwife’s suggestion since after talking to her on
the phone she noticed I could still talk through the pain) until I vomited
again and Casey firmly said it was time to go to the hospital. Honestly I had
no urge to go to the hospital. I would have had no idea when it was time.
Although we were timing my contractions and they were close, it still didn’t
seem like that day would be the day.
 |
| last pic of preggo me before heading to the hospital |
 |
| family of two soon to be three |
Because my doula was at my house she was able to help me
with one of the worst parts of labor which was the car ride to the hospital. I
sat in the back seat with her and she waved a fan on me to keep me cool. She
tied bags on the back of the front seat in case I got sick again (which I did)
and encouraged me to suck down honey sticks and drink water. Since she was
taking care of me Chad
could focus on the driving and I could focus on turning inwards to manage my
pain. Casey would make moaning noises to encourage me to make a low “om” sound
to get through the pain. It sounds strange but making noises out loud seems a
little embarrassing. Even in front of your own husband. To have someone make
them with me was like having someone sing with you – you don’t feel so awkward
and you don’t feel so alone. Once we got to the hospital Chad
was able to get the bags while she helped me in. She whispered in my ear, “This
is going to be the longest walk of your life. Take breaks when you need to and
lean on Chad.”
Her advice was amazing because it gave me permission to take my time. I’m
probably one of the few pregnant women who was in labor who walked themselves
into the hospital and up to the 4th floor to check in. She had my
purse with my ID and everything in it so that when we were checking in she
could answer questions and let me focus on my contractions.
Once we checked in at the hospital we didn’t automatically
go to a birthing suite I had to go to triage first. Ideally the midwife would
have come in and checked me for dilation here before admitting me to a birthing
suite. My midwife was attending another birth so the nurse had to hook me up to
a fetal heart rate monitor and contraction monitor to see how the baby’s heart
rate was and how far apart my contractions were. Here again having a doula was
key. The three of us were left alone in the room and lying on that bed was even
worse than having to walk in to the hospital. They wanted me to be on the monitor
for at least 20 minutes so they could get a good reading. It was 20 minutes of
torture. Before this point I was accustomed to doing whatever felt natural to
work through a contraction – squatting, getting on all fours, swaying, bending
over, just whatever came to me. Now I was tethered to a bed and asked to remain
still so they could get a good reading. I vomited again and Casey was able to capture
it before it hit the floor. I found a rhythm where I could roll on my side and
hug her while Chad
rubbed my lower back. It took two people to get me through and had it just been
Chad and I, I
know the situation would have been much more stressful and overwhelming.
Once we moved up to the actual birthing suite my doula took
charge.
 |
| view from our suite - you could see pikes peak from here |
They were quite busy at the hospital that morning so we were brought to
the room and let in and then left alone with the promise that the midwife would
be in as soon as she finished with another birth. Chad began filling up the
bathtub and Casey went and told my nurse that I was getting in it. Normally
they do not want you to labor in water until you are at least 5cm dilated but
we still hadn’t been seen by my midwife for a cervical check so we did what we
needed to do. I had a strong urge to get in the tub. I knew the water would
make me feel weightless and help relieve the pressure I felt in my lower
abdomen. Once I got in the tub I felt the relief of the warm water enveloping
me. My labor and delivery nurse came in and set up a pillow for me tethered to
the bath rail and then suggested the best thing ever – that some laboring women
liked the spray nozzle sprayed on their bellies. So that became my ritual.
While Chad or
Casey would hold a wet cloth on my head (thank you again doula for thinking to
bring plenty of wash rags!), the other would spray my stomach with the warm water
when I let them know the contraction was coming on. They took turns alternating
this, feeding me ice chips and draining the water so I’d stay warm. Chad
could not have done this alone and there’s no one else that would have been
there to do this for me at that point. At first I was crying out in pain as the
contractions built in intensity but then I began to channel my yoga breath.
 |
| with my midwife anne |
Yoga and knowing how to breathe became key at this point in
labor. I cannot thank yoga enough for teaching me how to breathe and how to
make the most of a full breath. Each contraction lasted about 7-12 breaths. The
best way I can describe a contraction is to liken it to a wave. I would feel
the wave start to build up and I would fill up my lungs, then I would exhale
fully. I would do this again and again and when I got to 5 I knew that I was on
the downhill slope of pain. Chad
said that at first he noticed I was erratic and then I became calm. I labored
in silence. I would let them know when I felt the contraction start to build
and whoever had the spray nozzle would start to spray me with warm water. I
don’t know why this felt good; I can only think that the sensation of warm
water on my skin gave me a different sensation to focus on other than the pain
in my uterus. I vomited again when I was in the tub and it was a good thing my
doula was there by my side to catch it in a garbage can.
I had my IV inserted for the penicillin dose for my strep B
and then my midwife came in and checked me for dilation while I was in the tub and to everyone’s
surprise told me I was 9cm and my water bag had not broken yet. She then
informed me that at this point I would probably start crowning in the next 15
minutes. There wasn’t time to set up the big water birthing tub but I could
push and have the baby in the tub where I was at if I wanted. At this point I
had been in the water about two hours. My midwife went to tell the nurses to
prepare the room for the baby to be born and again my doula took over
monitoring me for when I felt my water break. At the suggestion of the midwife
I began pushing with the next contractions which became more intense and I
focused on breaking my water. Chad was able to help me get through the
contractions while Casey was the liaison between me and the midwife – relaying
information on when I thought my water broke. It was amazing to have two people
that were there for me and could help me through the transition to the next
stage.
My water broke in the tub and when I was checked again I was
at 10cm. I moved out of the tub so they could refill it in case I wanted to
push in the water. I labored on the toilet for about 15 minutes and then the
midwife wanted to put oxygen on me and monitor the baby’s heart rate better so
they had me move from the bathroom to the bed. It took all the strength I had
to move and honestly the very very short walk was a blur. I remember collapsing
by the bed and it took Casey, Chad,
my midwife and the nurse to lift me on to it. The oxygen was more for the baby
than me because its heart rate was a little low which is pretty typical when
they move through the birth canal and get squeezed. I was also hyperventilating
with the pushing contractions so the oxygen gave me a burst of energy. My nurse
Ann played a crucial role in reminding me to breathe deeply on my rest breaks
between pushes – and because of yoga I was able to know how to use my breath
fully as fuel for my body.
 |
| transition |
 |
| it hurts |
My pain had been manageable up until this point because I
could find a hypnotic rhythm but pushing was by far the hardest and most
painful part. Here was the final summit push to the top of my mountain. The
part where you know the end is in sight because you can see it but it still
seems miles and miles away. Nurse Ann had one leg, my doula had another and Chad
was able to stand behind me at the head of the bed and encourage me while keeping
a cold rag on my head. My midwife was amazing at coaching and did things while
I was pushing that kept me from tearing. Everyone had a different role to play
and they all helped me on the last arduous part of my journey; like sherpas
guiding the way up Everest. At my request my doula was also documenting this
journey via photos in which I told her
to not censor anything because I wanted to remember everything that happened. I
do not even know how she got half the photos she did while holding my leg and
giving me water but she multi-tasked like no one I’ve ever seen do in their
life. I didn’t even notice her taking photos because my eyes were closed and I
was going inward and concentrating on Ina May’s biggest suggestion that stuck
with me which was, “Let your body do the work.”
Pushing was the only time I wanted to pack it up and go
home. It was hard, it was painful and it seemed to last forever. I didn’t feel
like I was making any progress – taking one step forward and sliding five steps
back. Anyone that’s ever climbed a scree covered mountain knows this feeling.
You are so close yet you feel so far away. I kept asking, “how many more
pushes?” and everyone kept telling me, “Just one more!” this was a lie but an
effective one. Yoga and working out were definitely my saviors for this part as
well because I am familiar in stepping into and standing in the fire that is my
own body working hard. I have held plank in yoga for 14 minutes. I have held a
handstand for three minutes against the wall. I have preformed cardio bursts in
yoga sculpt to the point of feeling nauseated. My kettlebell training made me
want to die. I channeled the physical and more importantly mental strength that
I knew I had. There were moments where I said out loud, “I can’t do this, it
hurts!” and my support people would say, “yes you can!” And then it would sink
in and I would say, “Yes, I can, I can do this.”
When my labor started and I was working through the
contractions at home both Chad
and my doula said to me at separate times, “Remember what you want to do today.
Be strong and know you can do this.” Both knew I wanted a natural childbirth
and they supported me from day one and they kept supporting me through to the
very end. I will tell you that the word “epidural” never entered my mind. It was
never offered to me and honestly I don’t think I could have had one anyway with
how far dilated I was when I arrived at the hospital but still I felt no urge
to numb the pain. The calmness around me reminded me that my body was made to
do this and it could if I allowed it.
After 7 hours of labor and 1hour 15 minutes of pushing,
Charlotte Kennedy was born weighing 7lbs 4oz and 20 inches long. I had reached
the top of my Everest. I couldn’t help but cry. When she finally came all the
way out the midwife said, “Reach down and grab your baby!” and I opened my eyes
for what felt like the first time and put my hands under her armpits and pulled
her up to my chest. This was me standing at the top of my mountain. Glory as
far as the eyes could see. I felt relieved and overjoyed. They rubbed her back
with towels to encourage circulation and I heard the baby cry out. I could see
her purple fingers digging in to my skin and curling around. I then lifted the
baby up and saw she was a girl.
“I knew it, I knew you were a girl!” I said and everyone in
the room around me laughed.
She was crying and I looked at her sweet beautiful face and
said, “I know baby, I know, it’s been a journey for me too.” We had both been
on the journey together, walking up opposite sides of the mountain. She was on
one path and I was on another but it didn’t matter because we met at the same
destination. We cried to meet each other for the first time. Here was the
person I had created and carried inside me and now I knew she was a SHE and I could
call her by name.
My sweet baby Charlotte.
I would not only like to thank my doula Casey, Chad, my
midwife and my labor and delivery nurse but every single person that told me I
could not make the journey. When I would tell people I wanted a natural child
birth I heard everything under the sun:
“Don’t be a hero, take the drugs”
“You’ll change your mind once you are in there”
“I tried and I couldn’t do it so good luck with that”
“Why wouldn’t you take advantage of modern medicine?”
Well I’d like to thank these people. Every negative comment,
every doubt, every person that shook their head at me, that told me it couldn’t
be done, that questioned my sanity and that smirked and looked at me like I was
ignorant and said, “yeah let me know how THAT goes” – thank you all because you
fueled the fire. I’ve been building this fire inside for the past nine months.
Every yoga class, every push on the spin bike, every kettlebell swing, yoga
sculpt, burpee, run, every “no you can’t” I turned into a YES I CAN.
I made it to the top
of my Everest - having a natural childbirth without any tearing.
I know people say all that matters is a healthy baby, but a
healthy mom matters too. As my friend Tania says, having a natural childbirth
is like eating healthy food, it’s harder to do but the long term benefits pay
off. I could walk right after I gave birth. I felt the wave of natural oxytocin
overcome me. I was able to breast feed right away. Giving birth, to me, was not
an experience to be numbed. To me it would have been like driving a car to the
top of the mountain – I would have arrived at the same destination but I would
have missed the view along the way. Since I did not have an epidural I could
feel everything and knew when to push and how to guide my body. Yes it was pain
but I never suffered.
I know even now that my story is done that I might have
people say negative things to me. I know that because other people did not have
the birth they wanted they might try to take away from my experience by saying
hurtful things. I didn’t write this story to open myself to criticism I wrote
it to inspire other women. To take the fear out of birthing the way women have
done it for eons.
When I was pregnant one of the most powerful things that I
did was to read birth stories. My doula would send me at least 2 stories a week
from birthingwithoutfear.com about all these women from all walks of life who
were able to have natural childbirths. She empowered me and didn’t even flinch
when I had her take the placenta from the hospital to the placenta lady to be
encapsulated (for more on placenta encapsulation or the wonderful lady who did
this for me read here). She cooked for me and cleaned after we came home and
even decorated the house to make us feel welcome.
My doula’s encouragement
throughout my pregnancy was unbelievable – sometimes she’d just call to leave
me a voice mail saying she knew I was strong and that I could do this. She made
me realize that you don’t need a whole world of people to believe in you -You
just need to believe in YOU. If you are blessed then two or three other people
will do the same. My midwife, my husband, my doula – they didn’t think I was
crazy for wanting to climb my Everest. They never told me I couldn’t. They
looked at me and said, “You can and you will.”
 |
| sad to see my doula and her beautiful daughter go |
 |
| with my mom and chad's parents |
“No,” he said, “YOU did it.”
Now I just have to think, “What else is possible?”
 |
| my loves |
No comments:
Post a Comment